Depression Sucks

Not your every day, "Eh it's dreary outside" depression.  I'm talking about the kind that makes you not even give a crap that you are depressed.  The kind that makes you realize that you have so much you want to scream out but can't even find the voice to do it-- and even if you did, you wouldn't tell anyone anyways.  So instead you just melt into a puddle of tears if you can even find the strength to cry.  The kind that makes you ask if you even remember the last time you were truly happy.  Which makes you feel even more like crap and guilty for feeling like that which in turn makes you more depressed.  Depression is a never ending vicious black hole that sucks everything out of you.

I realize that there are many people who have never experienced what I'm trying to describe, but it's not something that you just snap out of.  And for the record, telling someone to cheer up is a really shitty thing to say to them.  You don't just wake up one day with the sun shining and the birds chirping and suddenly all is right in your world.

 It takes a long time to come out of this shit-- alive.

And it sucks.  

   

Marriage-- The Leading Cause of Insanity

Lopsy (the cat):  Meeeeow.... Meeeeeeeow

Me:  What's wrong ki'y kitty?

Tim:  She's going to puke

Me:  She is??  No, I think she will be okay.

Tim:  No, she is going to puke and you need to get her onto the linoleum before she does it on the carpet

Me:  Um... no

Lopsy: *puke*

So I got up, went to the kitchen and grabbed paper towels to clean it up.

Tim: I don't understand

Me: What?

Tim:  You would rather clean puke up off the carpet than pick up the cat and move her

Me:  I don't want her to puke on me in the process of moving her!

Tim:  (makes motion of picking up cat and moving it... then shakes his head)

One hour later-----I read this..  

Me:  Yeah I just saw your Facebook post

Tim:  I was wondering when you were going to see that

Me:  Well I just now saw it

Tim: I posted that a long time ago


Me: I just now saw it... and commented

Tim:  What did you say?

Me:  Go look

This is what I said

Tim:  You seriously would rather clean it up off the carpet than to pick her up?

Me:  I. did. not. want. her. to. puke. on. me.

Tim:  If you hold her away from you....

Me: Then she still might puke on my foot which would not be kewl.

Tim:  So you would rather clean it up off the carpet than your foot?

Me:  Yes, because if she puked on my foot, then I would have puked all over the carpet and that would not benefit anyone.

Tim:  You amaze me.

Me:  One would think you would realize this after 13 years-- I am the same person who won't even touch raw poultry or pork with my hands.. What makes you think I would be okay with cat vomit on my foot?

Tim:  Shakes head
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So you see my dear sweet husband.. If in fact I am insane, it's because I am married and after almost a decade and a half, you still have these conversations with me.

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P.S.  He has since responded to my reasoning..

Touche sir... Touche.

Why people do illegal drugs or break from reality

So, one of my classes this semester is Communicative Speech Disorders and we have been assigned a group project that is due at the end of April.  Please allow me to stress the word--- GROUP.

1.  I truly hate group projects because,
2.  I always end up with people I would rather kick in the throat than work with.

And this group is not an exception.

I will name my partner anonymous.  She has me on the verge of changing my phone number and dropping the class.  She goes into panic attacks if I am not in the class room before she is, calls me every. single. day. sometimes twice a day only to complain about the professor or God only knows what else.  Truth be told, I block her out within the first 30 seconds of the phone call-- if I even answer the phone.

Just to give a brief idea of what I'm being subjected to--Tuesday, I decided to have a cigarette break in between my classes because I had time.  When I walked into class, "Anonymous" was in freak out mode.

Anonymous: Oh thank God you are here, I was just getting ready to call you.

Me:  Um..... Okay?  Why?

Anonymous:  Because you are always here before I am and today you weren't.  I was going to call you to see if you were coming to class.

Me:  Um... really?? Because I got here a few minutes later than normal??

Anonymous:  Well I didn't know, I just knew you weren't here when I got here.

Me:  Well Lord knows I need all the nicotine I can get before I sit through this class.  And honestly, you are lucky that I wasn't shooting heroine to make it through this class period knowing you are here. 


Then she called me last night... And for the record, I didn't have her name programmed into my phone to warn me that it was her.  It's programmed now so I know not to answer the phone---

Anonymous:  Have you checked blackboard yet today??

Me:  No, I've had a pretty crappy day and the last thing I thought to do was check blackboard.

Anonymous:  Oh.  Well, I just checked it and do you know wha that heffer (referring to our Prof) has on there??  Notes from Feb. 2.  Katie what were we doin Feb. 2?? Takin a test.  I swear she is just stupid.

Me:  Um, no.  Feb. 2 was last Thursday and we had lecture which is why she put the notes up.  Feb. 7 is when we took the test. Shoot me just SHOOT ME NOW... IN THE FACE!  


Anonymous: Oh well..  I just don' know what to do.  I am thinking about switching the class because she is stressin me out fo real.

Me:  Oh... do you know how to switch classes?? This is how you do it.... (and I proceeded to tell her because remember?? I HATE group projects)

I pretty much tuned her out after that.

This morning, she told me that she's in it for the long haul and cannot switch classes.  (banging head on desk)  And I shit you not-- she had already called my house today before I got home.  Thankfully, my husband did not answer the phone or he would be subjected to it.  So I have emailed my Prof to beg her to please find another group to put me in and that I'm on the verge of either dropping the class and/or changing my phone number because I'm on the verge of homicide/suicide.  Okay so I didn't use those exact words, but she will get the gist of my urgency.

This woman makes me want to cry while eating a gallon tub of ice cream by myself.  Or do illegal drugs.. maybe both.

Fingers crossed that I make it out alive!

 




  

Free at last, free at last!!! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!!!

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Love, Peace and Soul

As I have mentioned before, my first true love was music.  But what I haven't shared is that I had two favorite shows as a kid-  American Bandstand and Soul Train.   American Bandstand instilled my love of disco and Soul Train instilled my love of soul and funk and solidified my love disco.  I loved the music and wanted to sing it-- and I did.  As best as a 4-5 year old could sing.   I couldn't wait to grow up so that I could rock my fro and platform shoes on the dance floor of American Bandstand and Soul Train.  You could say that my identity crisis started at a very young age.

And to listen to the deep, silk smooth voice of Don Cornelius was as good as any music.

Sadly, Don Cornelius passed away today from a self inflicted gun shot wound.  I never did have the opportunity to rock my fro while dancing to sweet funk and disco music.  We have lost a legend in the music world.  But, I'm sure there was a Soul Train that came for him to meet his maker and he passed through a line up of dancers wishing him farewell.

Thank you Mr. Cornelius for everything you did to promote and expose soul, funk and disco.  Rest in Love, Peace and Soul.

A girl, a red dress and a Harley-- Katie

My husband is a little "homesick" for the road since he has not been able to drive semi for almost two years now  and it's beginning to take a toll on him mentally. So, we have been kicking around the idea of getting a new motorcycle and taking a two week road trip over the summer.   He benefits by being on the open road and I will benefit by being able to visit the two places on the top of my "must do before I die" list--- NYC and New Orleans (among many other cities).  I almost get a little choked up at the thought of possibly being able to go to these cities, finally.  If we are able to make it happen, this will definitely be a red dress moment for me.  I have dreamed about seeing the Statue of Liberty, the boroughs, Ellis Island, Times Square, Carnegie Hall, maybe a Broadway show in NYC and seeing the French Quarter, the cemeteries, the architecture, the crypts and all of the other wonderful and beautiful things that would satisfy my inner goth since I was a child (breeeeathe).  It's all so overwhelming to think about!!  You have to understand.. I am the same woman who cried standing in front of different exhibits at the Country Music Hall of Fame because.... I was there.  I was looking at music greatness- in person.

So why not go all out and really make it a true red dress moment?  I do believe that if our road trip happens, I may have to buy a red dress and wear the hell out of it-- on the back of a motorcycle.  There will be pictures... Oh yes, there will be pictures.

My 4 red dresses of 2011-2012 (by:Katie)

Almost two years ago, Jenny blogged about her red dress moment (take a moment to read it.. I will wait) which inspired women around the world to stop neglecting themselves and finally do the things they thought unimaginable, silly, unnecessary and the like. This woman is seriously my hero.  Right next to Scarlet O'Hara.

 After reading it, I wrote about my very own first "red dress moment" which involved a ginormous red lighter that left me open to questions like "What on earth are you lighting with that thing?!"  But I wanted it and love it, and still have it to this day.  And every time someone asks to borrow my lighter, it becomes a conversation piece for a couple minutes and that is a good thing.

Then yesterday, Jenny revisited her traveling red dress and I sat in retrospect over my past year and wondered if I continued to have my own "red dress moments"-- and, in my own way, I have.

Red Dress Moment #1.  College.  This past fall, I went back to school after 16 years to earn my Bachelors Degree. I did this for two reasons.  The first is because I want my children to go to college and I don't want them to look at me one day and say, "But you didn't go".  The second reason was to prove to myself that I am smart enough and I can do it.  It may take me a little bit longer to achieve this goal, but what the hell?  I've already waited 16 years.

Red Dress Moment #2.  My first true love.  Originally, my degree was going to be Photography.  But I decided that I was going to get my degree in my first love-- Music.  When I was younger, the only thing I wanted to do was sing but I let too many people convince me that I wasn't good enough, or that my dreams were unobtainable.  Now I'm at a point in my life where I can say, "Screw 'em" and I'm doing it.

Red Dress Moment #3. Overcoming one fear at a time.  Because of the negativity I faced as a kid, I developed a horrible case of stage fright and am terrified of auditioning to be formally accepted into the Music Dept.  But on March 18th, fail or succeed, I'm auditioning.   This is the song I will be performing for my foreign language piece.  It's not my best and I messed up a couple of times while recording it-- but I hope to work out those kinks before hand. I am actually still in the process of debating whether or not I really want to leave this link here for everyone to criticize it.  I still have many fears and demons that I need to face and overcome, but--- baby steps. 

Red Dress Moment #4.  Publicly admitting embarrassing and sometimes humiliating body flaws.  For National Breast Cancer Awareness month, I decided to publicly admit, online , that I have severe asymmetrical breasts and have a prosthetic boob to correct it without having surgery.   And if admitting it wasn't enough-- I posted pictures of my prosthetic which I have affectionately nicknamed Diadoma.

So as you see (in the words of Jenny)

The traveling red dress isn’t always red.  It isn’t even always a dress.  It’s anything you’ve always wanted but denied yourself because you thought it was too silly.  It isn’t.  Joy is always worth it.  Go and find your personal red dress, my friend.

And wear the hell out of it.

Tonight, Jan. 29, 2012 at 12:10 a.m. I am making a promise to myself.  When I am finally handed my degree from Indiana University,  I will be wearing an actual red dress as I walk across the platform and you better believe I will be wearing the hell out of it!

Thank you Jenny for reminding me (again) that I'm worth it.