Feb 26, 2012

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

As I come out of my slumps and funks, I try to listen to a lot of music.  Music that helps me stay mad, then music that helps me cry and get it all out and then finally music that helps me pick up the pieces, woman up and move on.

This is what I have been singing and listening to the past few days. And because I am entirely too emotional, I even get a little choked up when I listen to it.   The lyrics don't always have to fit your situation perfectly, but instead the main message behind the song and how it applies to your life.

Moral of the story.... it's okay to be down.  It's okay to yell, scream, cry, throw things, have a drink if ya need it, pray...... do whatever it takes to get it out of your system.  It's not about how you handle crappy situations and depression, it's about coming out on the other side-- stronger.

I know that because of my past, people get rather concerned when I go through my slumps.  And I appreciate everyone for loving me enough to care.  All I need is a little bit of patience and time to get it out.  Instead of letting it kill me, I will let it make me stronger.  

Feb 25, 2012

Alcohol and Neurontin-- Cure what ails ya


And suddenly, ya just don't care anymore. BONUS! it was all perfectly legal for me.    For once I was thankful for my Frankenfoot (my old blog) and the medication that I will most likely be prescribed for the rest of eternity.  

The combination of tequila shots, and 2 behemoth sized fuzzy navels (aka schnaaps with a splash of O.J) to wash down my nerve medication was just what the doctor ordered.  Can't say that I am completely out of my slump, but....  At least I'm not wanting to shoot chirping birds anymore or flipping off the sun for shining it's brilliant beams through my window.

Things were getting entirely too real and heavy around here and I just needed to not give a crap for a while.  And for about 3 hours, I didn't.  In the words of our great Steven Tyler, "It was beautiful man, just beautiful".  

Feb 24, 2012

Depression Sucks

Not your every day, "Eh it's dreary outside" depression.  I'm talking about the kind that makes you not even give a crap that you are depressed.  The kind that makes you realize that you have so much you want to scream out but can't even find the voice to do it-- and even if you did, you wouldn't tell anyone anyways.  So instead you just melt into a puddle of tears if you can even find the strength to cry.  The kind that makes you ask if you even remember the last time you were truly happy.  Which makes you feel even more like crap and guilty for feeling like that which in turn makes you more depressed.  Depression is a never ending vicious black hole that sucks everything out of you.

I realize that there are many people who have never experienced what I'm trying to describe, but it's not something that you just snap out of.  And for the record, telling someone to cheer up is a really shitty thing to say to them.  You don't just wake up one day with the sun shining and the birds chirping and suddenly all is right in your world.

 It takes a long time to come out of this shit-- alive.

And it sucks.  


Feb 17, 2012

Marriage-- The Leading Cause of Insanity

Lopsy (the cat):  Meeeeow.... Meeeeeeeow

Me:  What's wrong ki'y kitty?

Tim:  She's going to puke

Me:  She is??  No, I think she will be okay.

Tim:  No, she is going to puke and you need to get her onto the linoleum before she does it on the carpet

Me:  Um... no

Lopsy: *puke*

So I got up, went to the kitchen and grabbed paper towels to clean it up.

Tim: I don't understand

Me: What?

Tim:  You would rather clean puke up off the carpet than pick up the cat and move her

Me:  I don't want her to puke on me in the process of moving her!

Tim:  (makes motion of picking up cat and moving it... then shakes his head)

One hour later-----I read this..  

Me:  Yeah I just saw your Facebook post

Tim:  I was wondering when you were going to see that

Me:  Well I just now saw it

Tim: I posted that a long time ago

Me: I just now saw it... and commented

Tim:  What did you say?

Me:  Go look

This is what I said

Tim:  You seriously would rather clean it up off the carpet than to pick her up?

Me:  I. did. not. want. her. to. puke. on. me.

Tim:  If you hold her away from you....

Me: Then she still might puke on my foot which would not be kewl.

Tim:  So you would rather clean it up off the carpet than your foot?

Me:  Yes, because if she puked on my foot, then I would have puked all over the carpet and that would not benefit anyone.

Tim:  You amaze me.

Me:  One would think you would realize this after 13 years-- I am the same person who won't even touch raw poultry or pork with my hands.. What makes you think I would be okay with cat vomit on my foot?

Tim:  Shakes head
So you see my dear sweet husband.. If in fact I am insane, it's because I am married and after almost a decade and a half, you still have these conversations with me.


P.S.  He has since responded to my reasoning..

Touche sir... Touche.

Feb 9, 2012

Why people do illegal drugs or break from reality

So, one of my classes this semester is Communicative Speech Disorders and we have been assigned a group project that is due at the end of April.  Please allow me to stress the word--- GROUP.

1.  I truly hate group projects because,
2.  I always end up with people I would rather kick in the throat than work with.

And this group is not an exception.

I will name my partner anonymous.  She has me on the verge of changing my phone number and dropping the class.  She goes into panic attacks if I am not in the class room before she is, calls me every. single. day. sometimes twice a day only to complain about the professor or God only knows what else.  Truth be told, I block her out within the first 30 seconds of the phone call-- if I even answer the phone.

Just to give a brief idea of what I'm being subjected to--Tuesday, I decided to have a cigarette break in between my classes because I had time.  When I walked into class, "Anonymous" was in freak out mode.

Anonymous: Oh thank God you are here, I was just getting ready to call you.

Me:  Um..... Okay?  Why?

Anonymous:  Because you are always here before I am and today you weren't.  I was going to call you to see if you were coming to class.

Me:  Um... really?? Because I got here a few minutes later than normal??

Anonymous:  Well I didn't know, I just knew you weren't here when I got here.

Me:  Well Lord knows I need all the nicotine I can get before I sit through this class.  And honestly, you are lucky that I wasn't shooting heroine to make it through this class period knowing you are here. 

Then she called me last night... And for the record, I didn't have her name programmed into my phone to warn me that it was her.  It's programmed now so I know not to answer the phone---

Anonymous:  Have you checked blackboard yet today??

Me:  No, I've had a pretty crappy day and the last thing I thought to do was check blackboard.

Anonymous:  Oh.  Well, I just checked it and do you know wha that heffer (referring to our Prof) has on there??  Notes from Feb. 2.  Katie what were we doin Feb. 2?? Takin a test.  I swear she is just stupid.

Me:  Um, no.  Feb. 2 was last Thursday and we had lecture which is why she put the notes up.  Feb. 7 is when we took the test. Shoot me just SHOOT ME NOW... IN THE FACE!  

Anonymous: Oh well..  I just don' know what to do.  I am thinking about switching the class because she is stressin me out fo real.

Me:  Oh... do you know how to switch classes?? This is how you do it.... (and I proceeded to tell her because remember?? I HATE group projects)

I pretty much tuned her out after that.

This morning, she told me that she's in it for the long haul and cannot switch classes.  (banging head on desk)  And I shit you not-- she had already called my house today before I got home.  Thankfully, my husband did not answer the phone or he would be subjected to it.  So I have emailed my Prof to beg her to please find another group to put me in and that I'm on the verge of either dropping the class and/or changing my phone number because I'm on the verge of homicide/suicide.  Okay so I didn't use those exact words, but she will get the gist of my urgency.

This woman makes me want to cry while eating a gallon tub of ice cream by myself.  Or do illegal drugs.. maybe both.

Fingers crossed that I make it out alive!



Feb 6, 2012

Free at last, free at last!!! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!!!

For the past 13 years that I have been with my husband, his ex-wife has made our lives, my life a living hell.  And the pinnacle of this living hell was the court system allowing enabling her to do it.  For 13 years, we have walked on shards of broken glass and bit our tongues.  The few times either one of us lost our temper, she would retaliate and take my husband back to court for more child support-- and would lie her skank ass right off.  She would tell the courts about how she wasn't working and couldn't work while the whole time she was working for cash under the table (i.e babysitting.... hooking.... dealing . Okay maybe not that far, but it's just my opinion. )  It got so bad that at one time, my husband was paying $600 a month in child support-- for one child.  Did she provide a stable living environment for her child?? Noooo.  Did she provide her child with clothing?? Noooooooo.  Did she pay utilities for her child to have heat and other amentities?? Noooooooo.  So what did she do with it, you ask??

So much for child support going to support the child huh?? Tell me how one affords a vehicle like this while "unemployed".   

So many other things that I could go into, but I will instead fast forward.  Today we had another friggin "retaliation" meeting.  Only this time, it was in front of an actual judge.  And I think for the first time in 13 years, someone FINALLY saw through her bullshit.  Instead of ordering more child support, the judge instead emancipated their 18 year old son-- a high school drop out.  (This will be relevant in just a moment) On our way home from court, I shed a few tears of joy and relief that this long drawn out mess is finally over.

Now is my time to let it all out.  Thirteen long years of bullshit that I have buried deep inside me that I am going to spew now.

Dear Sherry Harmon (and 3 other last names),

I remember many years ago when you told me that your problem with me is that I was irresponsible with children and that I was a shit parent.  I remember you saying how my kids were better off without me and that they would probably grow up to be worthless because of me and my irresponsibility.

How do those words taste now? In my opinion you are nothing but an imbecilic, dirty, used up cunt sack.  I'm irresponsible??  Bitch puh-leeze.  I have calendars marked full  with each and every time you moved.  All 18 times in just a 2 year period.   In the 13 year period that Tim and I have been together you have been married twice and engaged 3 times.  I still have a recording on my answering machine from a debt collector stating that they were going to prosecute you for check deception.  Your oldest son has dropped out of high school-- TWICE!  I mean really.... I have never chosen to provide shelter for my meth manufacturing and dealing brother over my own child.  You are such a worthless parent that your second ex husband won't even let you keep your youngest son overnight.  Oh Sherry, why couldn't you have just succumbed to your cancer all those years ago???

Can't say this is absolute fact (more like an opinion) but maybe-- just maybe,  if you would have spent half as much time being a parent as what you did lying on your back and spreading your legs to the Warsaw, Goshen and a little bit of the Indy and Muncie population, you would still be getting child support and your child would have higher than a 7th grade education.  And yes, we do know about you looking for women to hook up with on adultfriendfinder.com.  Pretty pathetic really.  Found all the men within a 150 mile radius with no morals or standards so you had to move on to women?  Smh.

Remember how you came to my house while I was pregnant and begged Tim to go back to you because his unborn child and I were not his family?? The same night that you put your hands on my (then) 3 year old child and I threw you out of my house??  Sure ya do. The reason why he wouldn't consider it (even if he didn't have the best woman on earth), is because he's too afraid he would contract something that Ajax and an industrial buffer won't get rid of.  He may look like Mr. Clean with his bald head but, pssssst... even Mr. Clean would run away screaming like a girl from all of that.

So please, feel free to choke on your own lies, retaliation and bullshit.  I doubt I shed a tear.  I will most likely be the one in the bar buying the first round of drinks.  Have fun figuring out how to live on your own now.   To quote the great Martin Luther King, Jr. (appropriately during Black History month)  "Free at last, free at last!!!  Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!!!"


Feb 1, 2012

Love, Peace and Soul

As I have mentioned before, my first true love was music.  But what I haven't shared is that I had two favorite shows as a kid-  American Bandstand and Soul Train.   American Bandstand instilled my love of disco and Soul Train instilled my love of soul and funk and solidified my love disco.  I loved the music and wanted to sing it-- and I did.  As best as a 4-5 year old could sing.   I couldn't wait to grow up so that I could rock my fro and platform shoes on the dance floor of American Bandstand and Soul Train.  You could say that my identity crisis started at a very young age.

And to listen to the deep, silk smooth voice of Don Cornelius was as good as any music.

Sadly, Don Cornelius passed away today from a self inflicted gun shot wound.  I never did have the opportunity to rock my fro while dancing to sweet funk and disco music.  We have lost a legend in the music world.  But, I'm sure there was a Soul Train that came for him to meet his maker and he passed through a line up of dancers wishing him farewell.

Thank you Mr. Cornelius for everything you did to promote and expose soul, funk and disco.  Rest in Love, Peace and Soul.